I don’t agree with what Luis Pabon said in “Why I No Longer Want to Be Gay.” For him, being gay is something that you can outgrow, and when it has outlived its usefulness, you can go back and live life as a straight man. It feels his being gay is superficial and became gay for all the wrong reasons.
Pabon said he came to the gay community in search of love, intimacy and brotherhood, but all he found was loneliness, disunity, and infidelity. He might have been hanging around with the wrong crowd. The community is not perfect, but the same can be said for any community. And in order to find a good set of friends, whether they are gay or straight, is to hang out with the right crowd.
Being gay, I don’t like how Pabon stereotyped gay men as having indiscriminate sex, unstable relationships, peter pan syndrome, ageism, loneliness, prejudice, superficiality, self-hatred, closeted connections, shade, and preoccupation with sex. All these are how bigoted straight people see gay people, and if this is how he sees fellow gay men then I think he might have some questions that need to be answered. Then I guess it is right for him not to be gay at this point because he needs to search for his own truth first.
When he finds it hard to rise above the stereotypes then, he is not trying hard enough. He might be an openly gay man for the wrong reasons. When one needs to take alcohol and drugs in order to admit to oneself that he likes other men, it is not true self-realization. Being gay doesn’t give you the right to go out and be promiscuous. Then you are just setting yourself up for heartaches and miseries.
You don’t have to be an activist in order to live your live openly as a gay man. People will accept you for who you are when you can show society that you are a decent human being. There are times when a revolution happens, not by going against the grain, but by becoming a model citizen without changing one’s principles and beliefs.
And what do you expect when you are looking for love on Craigslist and Grindr? Why sell yourself short by looking for instant gratification instead of a long term relationship? And why should you go for straight men who are not even thinking of having a relationship with a gay guy? Finding the right one takes a long time, whether you are gay or straight.
If you wish to not be gay anymore, then go ahead. You don’t just outgrow being gay. It is within you. It is not about hooking up and being an activist. It is about being true to yourself and knowing who you really are. And that’s what counts.